The Bipolar Bum

Backpacking and Bipolar II. Taking Manic Depression on tour.

Forcing myself to write the ‘pointless’ post.

#depression #depressed #suicidalideation #bipolar #loneliness

 

Another long night

Another long night

 

This is the post that I’ve avoided submitting since the beginning.  I’ve written this post, or fragments of it, many times now.  I’ve watched this post through cloudy lenses as it has vanished beneath the tide when I’ve held down [BACKSPACE].  Time and time again it has been washed away by self consciousness and totally eroded by embarrassment.  I’ve come to realise that, even though my mind tells me the opposite, this post survives not as a monument to self indulgence on my part but as evidence of a force of will.  It is easier to not communicate when feeling this way than to reach out.  I’ve read your posts about having bad days and I said that I wouldn’t make similar submissions.  Here I break another promise to myself.  This post is more difficult to write than to avoid writing.  That is simple truth.  I am fighting against what I know to be a broken mind urging me to seclusion.

 

It has become almost ritual that while waiting to trick sleep into climbing into bed with me I cry.  Right now I’m mourning my ‘old life’.  With each successive episode of depression I notice the island of the life I thought I was going to have is further away.  A wave rises, falls and I’m further adrift.  I attempt to put plans and schemes into effect in order that I’ll have less reason to feel badly.  To follow the metaphor through these plans are like having seeds on my raft and expecting to be able to start farming out at sea.  “Those days are gone.” – my dear friend would say.  He’s right.  Here I am still making plans all shaped to fit into a slot of a life I don’t have, like an idiot.  I’m destined to have the unusual life of someone insane and incapable of prolonged happiness – of this much I’m sure.  The thought that punctuates my plans, hopes and aspirations is: “Who are you kidding?”

 

It is impossible to avoid suicidal ideation when you’re made to feel powerless in determining your outlook on life, let alone determining the things that happen in your life.  I live in a tropical paradise right now.  Nearby is a city full of revelry and optimism.  I go to the city occasionally and see a strobe-lit succession of all the bright young things at the outset of their adult lives.  How distant and alien I feel stood close-by to these people.  I have no good reason to not be overjoyed, carefree and optimistic.  I have finally come to a point where I have to admit to myself that ‘good reasoning’ doesn’t and hasn’t ever had a part to play in the landscape of my emotions.

 

One of the most painful elements to my depression right now is that I feel as though I am trapped in a soundproof, one-way-glass box looking outwards as the last of my youth deserts me.  Young and healthy, I spend my time feeling as though my life has already passed me by.   Why can’t I just be happy?  Why do I have to think and feel the way I do?  I can’t kill myself nor can I lead a fulfilling life with a strong narrative.  I collapse inwards periodically and I know I always will.  It will mean the absence of any real progress in ANYTHING I do just like it always has.  This place is wasted on me and I’m wasting my time being in it.  I don’t want to be here and I don’t want to be ‘home’.  Truthfully right now I just don’t want to be.  Financially, romantically, professionally and personally I am a self-saboteur – same as it ever was.

 

I don’t even know what I want as a response to this, if anything, or if I’m putting this here for posterity.  I’m not fishing for sympathy, indeed I don’t want it.  I feel that writing this is in some small way a resistance against the urge to just do and be nothing.  It is much easier to delete these posts and go sit in bed, gulping back tears and hoping that none of my friends try to contact me.

 

H&J

Advertisements

6 comments on “Forcing myself to write the ‘pointless’ post.

  1. notsocrazytalk
    26/04/2014

    Well, first of all, as hard as it is to believe, you are not broken. Broken would mean defective, and that’s not true of anyone. Your aspirations are not a joke either. I know its hard to believe, but it does get better. If anything, even though I don’t know you, I have faith that you can do it. And I know you don’t want sympathy, but the least I want to do is give you hope of some sort.

    Liked by 1 person

  2. larainbriggs
    27/04/2014

    Perhaps for now it might be best to think to yourself that ‘everything changes’. You won’t feel like you are feeling right now forever. You will feel better at some point and with the right medication hopefully soon but having a mental illness I do think means that some of the time thoughts that you are having now will disrupt our lives immensely. Seclusion is sometimes easier at these times. You have to know you are not alone in your thoughts of self indulgence, guilt, self pity, self consciousness and many other negative emotions that I can think of. There is hope. You have reached out. You are looking for empathy and you have found it in more than just myself I would imagine. Some if not many would find it difficult to answer your post. I studied psychology myself and psychotherapy to try and understand what was going on. It does help to some extent. There are also plenty of self help books that are worth reading and I’m sure plenty on YouTube. I know the issue is motivation when you feel like this but push yourself, try just one thing a day perhaps. Any coping strategy, try out, anything that relieves your suffering partially for a small amount of time is worth pursuing. I can’t think of any other advice I could give you, perhaps that’s not what you are looking for anyway but I can definitely say I relate to everything you have written here and have come out the other side more than once.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. socialworkerangela
    28/04/2014

    I have had suidical ideation since I was 15. I even have crappy teenage poetry to prove it. It is healthy to share it. I let it haunt me for so many years. Now that I almost embrace it… it is easier to manage. (I hope that didn’t sound like I am saying I am better then others cuz i am not … I think I am on an upswing so can say nice things about myself 😦 🙂 ))) anyway brave post thanks for sharing

    Like

    • drheckleandmrjibe
      28/04/2014

      You don’t sound at all like you’re being superior, don’t worry about that! Stoicism seems to be a vital part of being able to move on with your life after the illness is pulled out into the open. Acceptance speeds things up hugely I’m finding. Thanks for the comment.

      All the best,
      H&J

      Like

  4. quietcalliope
    28/04/2014

    The ‘like’ from me is for being brave enough to give voice to such difficult feelings, not for feeling them in the first place – sending much love and hugs ❤

    Like

  5. bpnurse
    30/04/2014

    You have great value as a human being, never forget that! I saw your post on my blog this morning, and you’ll never know how much you helped me even though you yourself are in a bad place right now. Thank you for that, from the bottom of my heart. ❤

    Like

Have your say

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out / Change )

Twitter picture

You are commenting using your Twitter account. Log Out / Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out / Change )

Google+ photo

You are commenting using your Google+ account. Log Out / Change )

Connecting to %s

Information

This entry was posted on 25/04/2014 by in Depressed, On Suicide, Toon and tagged , , , , , .
Follow The Bipolar Bum on WordPress.com

How we're doing.

  • 25,440 hits

ARCHIVE

%d bloggers like this: