The Bipolar Bum

Backpacking and Bipolar II. Taking Manic Depression on tour.

#Psychosis – Looking down the other end of the telescope

#Psychosis #Bipolar #Mentalillness #breakthestigma #Agitation #Rage #Irritability

 

Last night I woke up and I was immediately furious.  One of my friend’s had begun to hang around with one of my sworn enemies, knowing that it would hurt me.  I was glowing white hot with fear, anger and I felt hurt down to my bones.

 

In times-gone-by I would have reacted instantly and decisively to this situation.  I would have disowned my friend, and looked for an opportunity to visit some kind of violence on my enemy if they were close enough that I could get them.  If not, I would have spewn vitriol at whoever was close enough to hear and pace around for a few hours.

 

BUT

 

These people are on the other side of the planet.  The perceived slight against me had been in my dream and had left me enough of an emotional wreck that I had woken up intent on tackling the issue head on, pre-emptively.  I was about to disown one of my closest friends from something that I had completely imagined.  I sat and told myself, out loud, that “it hadn’t even happened.  What the hell are you upset for?!”

 

I recognised the feeling of hurt, embarrassment, betrayal and rage as having featured heavily in my past.  I can remember lots of specific examples of when I had felt like this.  It was known among my friends growing up that you only had one chance with me and that once you had incensed me, that was it.  Friendship – finished.  I had absolutely no problem cutting people off at the knees.

 

I know people who are still probably wondering where it all went wrong between us.  I have one who is still trying his best to re-initiate contact with me through Facebook.  I can remember what upset me and I can remember reacting (probably over reacting).  Truthfully though I can’t say that I am 100% confident anymore that what I saw as an insult was even intended to come in my direction.  This isn’t a lonely example.

 

I can remember times when I reacted violently and emotionally to what I thought were attacks on me; I can also remember EVERYONE else involved being utterly mystified as to why I had exploded.  Thinking logically about these times, I am absolutely certain that I was reacting to completely imagined slights against me, just as I had last night.

 

If I was to dwell on the past, I’m sure I could come up with dozens of names who I owed an apology to.  My close friends put up with a lot of questionable behaviour, often turbo charged with alcohol.  Though it wasn’t exactly a pleasant one – last night’s revelation is a turning point for me.  I’ve never yet backed away from acting on that specific cocktail of emotions.  I have ALWAYS followed my instinct in that situation.  What I realise now is that I’ve probably been reacting to fiction as often as I’ve reacted to fact.

 

Do you identify with anything I’ve written?  Have you ever gone off completely half-cocked and come to realise after the fact?  Did you apologise? How was it received?  I want to hear from you.

 

All the best,

H&J

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5 comments on “#Psychosis – Looking down the other end of the telescope

  1. eddieredvine
    19/04/2014

    Yes. I often used to lash out at loved ones for being ‘against me’ when really they just had a slightly different opinion. I did apologise and it was generally well received as the only people I show any emotion around (good or bad) understand my mental health issues. Unfortunately it doesn’t stop me from feeling like an utter tit.

    Liked by 1 person

    • drheckleandmrjibe
      20/04/2014

      Unfortunately for me, my mental illness has only been discovered this year. Every single time this has happened in my past will have appeared inexplicable to everyone around. The most insane element to this situation isn’t my behaviour, it’s that it has taken me this long to reach a diagnosis when I have consistently shown absolutely insane behaviour.

      I’m feeling like a tit enough for the past decade and a half!

      H&J

      Liked by 1 person

  2. larainbriggs
    20/04/2014

    It might seem like a silly question given your id on here but can I ask exactly what your diagnosis is? I’m so sorry you have suffered for so long without support. I used to be a secondary school teacher and thought how little help there was for young people with mental health issues. Often labelled by teachers as the difficult kids who you really didn’t want in your classroom.. I think things have improved a little now, I’m hoping anyway. At least now you can look to the future and know exactly what is happening and learn how to help yourself.

    Like

    • drheckleandmrjibe
      21/04/2014

      I’m Bipolar II, rapid cycling as far as we can make out. The waters are pretty murky. What we’ve found is that Quetiapine (600mg/day) evens me out a lot.

      I wouldn’t say I’ve suffered per say. I’ve had plenty of good times. At least now I know what the bad times are and I’m not going to go ‘fixing’ things that aren’t broken. No more chasing red herrings to try and un-depress myself.

      I was difficult at school, but it was because my dad died when I was early into high school. I didn’t give a shit after that really. I’d had all the evidence I needed to know that investing in your future when you probably weren’t going to have a long future was a waste of my energy. All the men in my dad’s line for at least four generations died before they were fifty. I was convinced that I was going to be on the same path. I’m not convinced of it anymore, but it completely determined the way I handled my formative years.

      The future is infinitely brighter than it was, thanks to the diagnosis.

      All the best,
      H&J

      Like

  3. larainbriggs
    20/04/2014

    PS. I think you are an extremely talented artist 🙂

    Like

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This entry was posted on 18/04/2014 by in In flux, Self Analysis and tagged , , , , , , , .
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