The Bipolar Bum

Backpacking and Bipolar II. Taking Manic Depression on tour.

Psychosis – Déjà vu

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Being as early in the process of understanding my illness as I am means that I often overlook or pass by important questions.  On the Black Dog Bipolar test there are a few questions asking if you find special significance in day to day things e.t.c.  I breezed straight past this with quite a superior attitude, now that I think.  I remember the exact thought process:

 

Do I believe I’m the second coming?  Do I believe in god?  Do I believe in fate? 

 

Answering all of these in the negative meant that I didn’t need to creatively consider the question any further.  I believe I was short sighted and overly dismissive of this consideration now.

 

I experience quite powerful and frequent déjà vu when I’m ill, particularly with regards to arguments and social friction.  It is usually triggered by someone else saying something that is intensely familiar.  I then fast forward usually to an argument or awkward social exchange.  I then come back to the present and try my absolute best to avoid the situation unfolding as I saw it.

 

I have never analysed this particular thought process, but over the last twenty four hours it has happened a few times.  The shocking finding for me was when I realised that I actually believed these situations had happened in the future, and that I could avoid them.

 

This is probably the most extreme feature of my illness that I have yet noticed.  To actually believe that you’ve seen a future that you want to avoid.  I’m quite embarassed at this having happened for as long as I can remember and never having questioned it.  I wonder how many more delusions will come to light as I keep vigil over my thoughts.

 

I can’t remember which of your blogs I read the quote on but according to Voltaire – madness is defined as follows:

 

To have erroneous perceptions, and to reason correctly from them.

 

By this definition I am insane.  Looking specifically at this déjà vu behaviour has certainly made me question what other habitual insanity exists in me.  It isn’t a good feeling, I’ll be honest.  I recently had to ask friends if certain events had happened or if it had been something I dreamed of.

 

Do any of you get strong déjà vu/premonitions or have any other kind of hallucinations/delusions that you have identified?  How did it make you feel?  How did you choose to treat the behaviour?

 

H&J

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5 comments on “Psychosis – Déjà vu

  1. Sarah
    15/03/2014

    My most frequent delusions involve someone making an attemp to hurt me. My mind can take the most subtle of “clues” and piece them together into some kind of twisted story that feels absolutely real. To this day there are episodes that I only know we’re delusions because so many different people told me they had no idea what I was talking about. Ultimately this whole thing left me realizing I have no idea what is real and what isn’t, but who defines what is real anyway?

    Liked by 1 person

    • drheckleandmrjibe
      15/03/2014

      I reckon reality is clearly definable when you disprove the unreal. I know I can’t really see into the future. You know there isn’t really a conspiracy or someone coming to get you.

      Allowing myself to FEEL as though I had the ability to predict and avoid unpleasant futures was a mistake made in pure ignorance of my condition. I don’t even know how long I’ve been doing this. It could have been happening my entire life.

      It makes the point for me that there really ought to be classes in highschool that focus on self awareness, logic and thought. We learn so much that is irrelevant to your average persons life, and yet these important topics that are universally useful aren’t even touched on.

      Just think how positive an earlier diagnosis would have been for anyone you know with a mental illness. THAT is crazy.

      Like

  2. writingbolt
    21/03/2014

    FINALLY someone who uses the same words. Strangely/Strongly familiar…powerful…friction/argument…conflict. Yes. Me, too.

    I’ll give you an instance or two of my experiences…

    Occasionally, I will write an email either in response or to get answers to something from some commercial/business site. And, before I hit SEND, I get that bum-bum! feeling. I foresee a negative outcome. But, if I don’t send the email, I won’t get my answer. How can I change the email to make the outcome better? I have recently tried editing myself before hitting SEND. But, I can’t say the outcome was all that better. Maybe I didn’t correct myself enough before “hitting the curve/on ramp” of Fate’s freeway.

    I’ve had conversations where words either reach my ears or come out of my mouth…and I get an echo in my head…this was said before. I know it. It just happened last night with m sis on the phone though it wasn’t in the same context I “remember”.

    I predict how things will go based upon these feelings. But, the predictions don’t always go the way I see them. I don’t know what this means. Is it me just being negative/paranoid from an excess of isolation/solitude? [I think the more we are exposed to labor and other people, the less “freedom” we have for such powerful thought.] Or, are these “visions” warnings? I’ve talked to a few who say I should repeat myself because the “deja vu” is a sign of where I need to be…but these moments don’t feel good.

    One of my theories is that all of this might be tied to the Mayan calendar “end of the world” business…or something I saw on an episode of NOVA which said the universe as we know it might just be a film playing through a projector that’s actually a black hole, putting our existence on a loop. I can’t recall having deja vu/repeating moments more than maybe 5 years ago. But, the feelings I get make me feel as if this has been going on my entire lifetime. I get moments when I see myself homeless and near death. It’s not exactly the Cloud Atlas symphony…but something weird.

    If Lewis Carroll was right in the head, it’s better to be mad than insane. When I hear insane, I hear “issues”…and I dislike both words stamped on me. So, if I must be mad, I’ll be Hulk mad…until I crack my fury with some wit.

    Liked by 1 person

  3. Kerry
    24/06/2014

    Wow I have been suffering from déjà vu on a daily basis for the past year or so.
    It’s as if I dreamt it all before and now I’m living out the dreams.

    Liked by 1 person

    • drheckleandmrjibe
      24/06/2014

      My déjà vu has come to worry me a bit and I wish it didn’t. I feel nauseous when it comes over me these days and I invariably end up telling the closest person to me so that I can ‘change it’ still. Stupid fucking superstition and routine but there you go.

      I never had a whole year of it though!

      All the best,
      H&J

      Like

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