Backpacking and Bipolar II. Taking Manic Depression on tour.
Being as early in the process of understanding my illness as I am means that I often overlook or pass by important questions. On the Black Dog Bipolar test there are a few questions asking if you find special significance in day to day things e.t.c. I breezed straight past this with quite a superior attitude, now that I think. I remember the exact thought process:
Do I believe I’m the second coming? Do I believe in god? Do I believe in fate?
Answering all of these in the negative meant that I didn’t need to creatively consider the question any further. I believe I was short sighted and overly dismissive of this consideration now.
I experience quite powerful and frequent déjà vu when I’m ill, particularly with regards to arguments and social friction. It is usually triggered by someone else saying something that is intensely familiar. I then fast forward usually to an argument or awkward social exchange. I then come back to the present and try my absolute best to avoid the situation unfolding as I saw it.
I have never analysed this particular thought process, but over the last twenty four hours it has happened a few times. The shocking finding for me was when I realised that I actually believed these situations had happened in the future, and that I could avoid them.
This is probably the most extreme feature of my illness that I have yet noticed. To actually believe that you’ve seen a future that you want to avoid. I’m quite embarassed at this having happened for as long as I can remember and never having questioned it. I wonder how many more delusions will come to light as I keep vigil over my thoughts.
I can’t remember which of your blogs I read the quote on but according to Voltaire – madness is defined as follows:
To have erroneous perceptions, and to reason correctly from them.
By this definition I am insane. Looking specifically at this déjà vu behaviour has certainly made me question what other habitual insanity exists in me. It isn’t a good feeling, I’ll be honest. I recently had to ask friends if certain events had happened or if it had been something I dreamed of.
Do any of you get strong déjà vu/premonitions or have any other kind of hallucinations/delusions that you have identified? How did it make you feel? How did you choose to treat the behaviour?